Tsunade's Drinking Problem
by Raiyuki
Summary: NOT a HakuTsuna. That's just WRONG. As we all very well know, Tsunade has a drinking problem. After a particularly bad hangover, her friends decide that she is going to stop drinking. Also, Haku needs a girlfriend by the end of the day, else he's gay.
1. Damn Paperwork

Hello. I got this idea out of nowhere and I just thought I'd try it.

It's a fic about Tsunade's drinking problem and how after a particularly bad hangover, her friends decide that she's going to quit whether she likes it or not. There's one pairing; NarutoShizune, but it's all for humor's sake. I promise. Nothing serious.

I don't own Naruto, or any other name brand products listed in this story

* * *

Tsunade sat at her desk on a Thursday night, buried in paperwork that she had put off for weeks. Now she had been awake for 96 hours. Three-foot stacks of paper covered in kanji stood all around her. She looked sadly at her nearly five-foot-high-just-as-good-as-vacant 'out' box and felt like crying. A pale moonlight was creeping into the office slowly. In one hand, she clutched a can of Red Bull (Kami knows where she got it) and in the other, an inked brush. 

Taking a swig of the can in her left hand, she looked up at the clock by the door. 2:34 it read. She sighed and looked down at her young assistant Shizune, who was slouched over on the wall and snoring lightly.

She shook her head and continued to doodle her name on the multiple forms and mission requests until she nodded off.

* * *

Tsunade woke with a hand on her shoulder, shaking her gently. Her eyes snapped open and she groaned in distress as she eyed the mess of ink and energy drink all over her green kimono... as well as the front of her hair. 

"Tsunade-sama?" It was Shizune. Tsunade lifted her head up with much effort. Her neck muscles hurt like hell, and her face was adhered to the desk by Red Bull.

"How long have I been out?" She managed to mumble.

Shizune giggled slightly at how ridiculous her master looked. A small bead of ink was working its way down her forehead and past her nose. "How long?" Tsunade repeated, a glassy look to her eyes.

"Uh... it's Wednesday," She said.

Tsunade blinked. "But... Wednesday was yesterday," she said unsurely.

Shizune fumbled with her words. She was not sure how her instructor would react. "You slept for... six days,"

Tsunade snapped out of her morning daze. "WHAT?!" She bolted upright, but then fell back to the floor, flailing in pain. Her back felt like it had been put through a taffy machine. "Aaah! Shit!!" She roared, clutching her back. Her hands glowed with green chakra, and she stopped after a few seconds.

"Six days?!" She asked, a little more calmly now.

"Y-Yes," Shizune said shakily.

"Well, why the HELL didn't you wake me?!" She cried.

_So I could get pictures of you covered in sticky energy drink with ink on your forehead to every window in Konoha. _"Well, Tsunade-sama... you _do_ remember the last time someone tried to wake you when you hadn't slept enough..." Tsunade remembered, alright. It had happened in a casino when she had fallen asleep at the slots. The man who had tried to wake her didn't have a left arm anymore.

Tsunade wasn't sure she bought it. Six days? That was 48 hours more than the amount of time she was awake. Her eyes strayed to Shizune's pocket. A corner of a piece of paper was sticking out of it. "What's that?" She asked, pointing to her pocket.

"What's what?" Shizune said quickly.

"_That_,"

"What's that?"

"That! There!" Tsunade pointed sharply towards Shizune's pocket.

Shizune turned slightly, hiding the paper. "That's what?"

"What is it?"

"What?"

"In your pocket!"

"What's in my pocket?"

"What's in your pocket?"

"That's what I just said!"

"Aaagh!" Tsunade tackled Shizune and pinned her to the floor, then shot her hand towards Shizune's pocket. Then they both froze. At that moment, a certain white-haired, mask-wearing, Copy Ninja opened the door to find Tsunade over Shizune with her hand in her kimono. He blinked, and a spot right around his nose on his mask darkened a little bit.

"I'll just... come back later..." He started to back towards the door he came from.

"Wait!" Both women shouted in unison.

"It's not what you think!" Tsunade fumbled, but Kakashi was already out and away. Tsunade slowly turned her head at Shizune, the most menacing look she had ever sported was creeping over her face. "That's it," She snatched the paper from Shizune's pocket and looked at it, her face turning from sheer anger, to sheer horror. A loud noise erupted from the Hokage mansion.

"SHHHHIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!"

Shizune was creeping toward the door that Kakashi had left open, then bolted out quickly before her master's anger could get much worse and she would blow her stomach out with her fist. Yes, my friends, it was a photograph of Tsunade, passed out from exhaustion, with ink all over her forehead, and Red Bull covering every piece of paper and fabric around it.

As an added bonus, there was Shizune holding a large posterboard with an arrow pointing at the blonde Godaime and the words: "And she's available, guys!"

Tsunade sped out of her office, and grabbed Shizune's ear lobe. And with inhuman strength, she hoisted the girl into the air. "Owowowowowowowowowowowowowowowoooowwww!" Shizune cried in anguish.

"Shizune," Tsuande said calmly. "How many copies of these are there?" Shizune gulped nervously.

"Uhh... hundreds," She gave a toothy smile, hoping that maybe Tsunade might have some mercy.

Tsunade set her down and turned to look at her in the eye. "You. Will. Destroy. Every. Last. One." She said through gritted teeth. Shizune gulped and nodded again. "If I find one copy, I will tell Naruto that you have a picture of him showering in your wallet." She threatened.

"No!" Shizune gasped. "You promised you would never!" She bawled.

"Given the circumstances, I think it seems just," Tsunade retorted. "Now go!" She concluded.

Shizune snapped to attention. "Hai, Tsunade-sama!" She then fled her boss' presence to rip down every copy of the photograph from the store windows before she was gutted like a trout.

Tsunade sighed. "I need a drink," she decided.

* * *

Hi, I really hope you liked it. Please tell me what you think. 

Please r&r.

–Rai


	2. Diarrhea

Uh... sorry, I was a little intoxicated myself when I wrote the first chapter of this...

Just a little interesting side note. Yori means 'dependance' in Japanese, which fits him well, seeing as drunkies depend on him to give them liquor.

I do not own Naruto, but I do own three six-packs, and some chewing gum.

Here's the next part... enjoy.

* * *

The Godaime left her office, which was still stuffed to the brim with backed up paperwork. She made her way through the hallways to another exit, which was also closer to the only place she could drink sake during the day.

She trotted through the street, very able to feel the fact that she had not induced alcohol for almost a week. Desperate for a pleasant buzzing in the back of her head, she (lucky for Shizune) missed all of the people snickering at the beverage-stained Hokage whenever she passed, and also the unusual amount of, at a very brief glance, 'missing' posters in the store windows.

Tsunade lifted the flap of a bar that looked suspiciously like Ichiraku's (for visualization's sake), and popped a squat at a stool. The bartender casually walked up and struggled to keep a straight face. "The usual, Hokage-sama?" He asked. Tsunade didn't seem to hear him.

"Gimme the usual, Yori," she demanded.

"Hai," the bartender reached below the counter and pulled out a bottle of 25 year aged sake, harvested from young rice, handpicked and rid of any impure grains. Tsunade took the shot without even tasting it, and immediately poured herself another. Yori watched the leader of the village get drunk off her ass. As a matter of fact, she looked like a bum.

A big blot of black ink in her hair and forehead, her clothes wrinkled and sticky. Yori looked past the intoxicated Hokage to see Shizune outside ripping from the window, the poster she had just recently put up. Yori had seen that poster all week, and could only assume that the Godaime had seen it recently, too. Well... judging by the audible snippet of profanity from her mansion a few minutes ago that seemed to shake the earth.

Shizune silently scolded Tsunade. _She hasn't eaten in 144 hours and the first thing she does is go load up on booze,_ She shook her head as she glimpsed the leader of the Hidden Leaf Village inside a bar after six days of captivity. Ripping off the poster from the window, she began to do it with less gusto. If Tsunade was drinking, she'd be there for a while.

Then Shizune spied everyone's favorite blue-haired kunoichi peering from behind a market stall at something orange. Now something not everyone realizes is that everybody has an inner-self, though civility and discipline has only beat it into submission. Shizune is no exception. _It's that little bitch stalking him again! I'll drive her off, Naruto-koi!_ She casually walked up to Hinata. "Hello, Hinata, I haven't seen you in a while," Hinata turned her head toward Shizune and gave a weak smile. _It's that big bitch come to drive me away from Naruto-koi!_ Inner Hinata huffed. "What are you looking at?" Shizune craned her neck as if to follow where Hinata's eyes had been pointing.

She seemed to have gained Naruto's attention. He waved and came over, two sticks of recently purchased dango were in his hands. "Ohayo, Shizune-nii(or is it 'nee' for women?)-chan! Hinata-chan! Whatcha doing?" He asked innocently as he walked up.

Hinata gave a little squeak of nervousness. "O-Ohayo, Naruto-kun," She managed.

Shizune acted her normal self. "Ohayo, Naruto-ko–er kun, I was just trying to figure out what Hinata was looking at," she half asked the question to the girl on her left.

Naruto looked to Hinata. "Well? What was it?" He looked at her for a second.

"..."

"What was it, Hinata?" Shizune asked playfully, as she knew full well what it was.

"..."

Naruto had his eyes closed and mouth small in that way that it seems he usually does just before Sakura yells at him. He held a hand out. "Dango?"

"I GOT DIARRHEA!!" She bellowed loud enough to force Naruto's hair to stand straight out behind his head, as well as attracting the stares of everyone in the market. She stood there a minute, then sported a brilliant shade of vermillion. _Damn, you Shizune!_ She shot like a gazelle down the opposite end of the street.

Naruto watched the dustcloud disappearing into the distance as he sweatdropped. "But there's a bathroom right over there!" He pointed to a public restroom ten yards away. He looked to Shizune for an answer.

"Well it worked..." she muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing,"

"Dango?" He extended the arm holding the little balls of food skewered on a stick.

"Thanks," She took the dango and slid a sphere off into her mouth.

* * *

BEER IS GOOD! BEER IS GOOD! When it's warm, it tastes real crappy–but cold beer will make me happy. When I throw up on the floor, I can go and drink some more. They say beer will make me dumb. It are go good with pizza. Now that we have drunk some beer, let's go drive a car. BEER IS GOOD! BEER IS GOOD..! (Beer © Psycho Stick)

Okay, honestly. There is a dead serious lesson in this story, and that lesson is this.

Don't spill Red Bull© on your clothes, it's sticky.

Also, there's a link to an AMV on youtube in my profile with the song above to it for anyone who's interested.

Good night, everybody!

–Rai


	3. I LOVE THOSE DAMN SHOES!

Konbanwa. What else can I say?

Here's chapter 3.

I do not own Naruto, but I do own two six packs, and some chewing gum.

* * *

Tsunade wandered the streets in a tipsy drunken haze that could only be from inducing 19 shots of sake. She rounded a street corner and shielded her eyes from the bright light of a red setting sun enhanced by the hangover that was already itching in her skull. As she meandered aimlessly, many people watched the eccentric with a little anticipation to view what was obviously going to happen. 

They got it fast.

The Godaime keeled over face first into the street with a little gasp as a people looked on. Passed out like a baby with a concussion, It began to rain. A man stepped into the street. He removed his blue coat and splayed it atop of the leader of the village, then walked away to do whatever it was he was doing before.

Coincidentally, a hyperactive demon capsule and the Hokage's own assistant also rounded the same corner with their arms piled high of ripped-down posters. "Hokage-sama!" Shizune dropped her pile to the mud on the ground and rushed to her side. Naruto did likewise.

Shizune kneeled down in the mud and slapped Tsunade twice in the face. She bolted up and unloaded the contents of her stomach into an oncoming Naruto's face. "MY EYES!!" he squealed. His hands flew up to his face and clutched his sake soaked eye sockets. "Get me a spoon! I need to gauge them out! aaAAAHHHHhh!"

Shizune ignored him for a moment. "Tsunade-sama! Are you alright?" She questioned.

Tsunade laid back on the ground and looked up at Shizune through half closed eyelids. "Tell Jiraya… I'll always hate him…" she made a throaty 'gack' sound and closed her eyes.

"NOOOOOO!!" Shizune cried woefully. "Wait, can I have your shoes? I like your shoes," she shook the Hokage. Tsunade opened her eyes slightly.

"No,"

"NOOOOOOOO!!" Tsunade made a 'gack' sound again and Shizune cradled her head against her bosom. It was then that a stumbling, blinded Naruto tripped over her and knocked himself out on the sidewalk. Shizune weeped as the two lay still, and a crowd started to gather. She wiped her eyes off and stood, sniffling slightly. "I LOVE THOSE SHOES!" She yelled to the sky. "WHY WON'T YOU GIVE ME THOSE DAMN SHOES?!" She slung Tsunade and Naruto over her back and shoulders, then departed to the Hokage manor through an aisle formed by the crowd.

* * *

_Ugh, what's that damn light? It's so bright!_ Tsunade shielded her eyes and cracked them open. Her head pulsed and felt like it was imploding slowly. _Starlight,_ she thought. _I am going to have SUCH a bad hangover tomorrow. _She shifted to a more comfortable position in her bed, yelped in pain from the movement, and went to sleep. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Tsunade's head now felt like it was being put through a grain thresher. She rolled helplessly on the bed screaming, as if that might somehow relieve the pain. Finally, her head was enveloped in green chakra and she stopped thrashing.

_Shit,_

* * *

Something smelled like lilacs. Where the hell was he? 

Naruto was on something that was actually soft. Perhaps a real bed? There was also something on his chest, not to heavy, and also soft. _A hospital bed, _he decided._ I'm in a hospital bed._ He clutched what he assumed was a pillow on his chest a little harder. He heard a small groan. "_Naruto…_" His eyes snapped open. He found that he was not in a small hospital bed, but a rather large bed in a rather nice house. And as he looked down, his eyes turned to the size of dinner plates. What he had assume was a pillow on his chest was actually Shizune's half-clothed torso. He took a sharp intake of breath and then hesitated before yelling: "WHAT the _HELL_?!"

Shizune woke immediately, and then ripped a kunai from under her mattress, wild-eyed. "AA! Count Chocula's comin' to get me--! Oh," she stopped when she saw Naruto. Their eyes met for about two seconds.

Then they both shrugged. "Meh," they said together, and both went back to sleep.

* * *

Yes, I am full of Guiness as I write this, and will probably look over this tomorrow asking myself what the hell I was thinking. And after that, the last part of this chapter will probably be gone when I'm sober, but what can you do, ne?

Gonnight, everybody!

--Rai


	4. Side Plot

Oioioi. 'Tis I! Raiyuki! Come to bring you laughs and kicks, but not booze, sorry.

I do not own Naruto, but I do own a six pack and some chewing gum.

* * *

"So there I was. I came to see if Tsunade-sama had regained consciousness so that she could give me a raise," Kakashi was huddled in a group of other male Jounin and Chuunin. They were all happily sipping sake in the meeting room.

Their group included Asuma, Gai, Iruka, Ebisu, Choza, Genma, Raidou, the oldest, Jiraya, the youngest, Shikamaru, Zabuza and Haku. Wait… "What the hell are you two doing here? Didn't I kill you?" Kakashi stopped his story, pointing at Zabuza and Haku.

"Maybe," Haku's eyes darted from left to right, and Zabuza stood rigid. "Look, we're here to add meaningless humor to the plot, okay? Can't we defy the laws of nature just once?"

"You're a ninja, you do that every day," Iruka reminded him.

"Oh… right…" He sweatdropped. "Please continue, Kakashi-san," Zabuza nodded vigorously as well.

"Anyway, I was looking for Tsunade-sama for my raise. So I opened the door to her office, and you guys won't believe what I saw!" They looked at him expectantly.

He paused dramatically for suspense. "Tsunade-sama was fingering Shizune-san on the floor!" There was a merry bout of hoots and whoops from the other men, except for the two youngest Jounin and Chuunin.

"What does 'fingering' mean?" Haku whispered to Shikamaru.

"I thought you'd know!" He muttered back.

After the laughing and screams for yuri died down, Kakashi wiped a tear from his eye. "Sorry, sorry Haku, Zabuza, I didn't mean any offense,"

Haku immediately glowered menacingly. "Why does everyone think we're gay?!" he demanded.

Jiraya swung his arm around the fifteen year-old's shoulder.

"Oh, come on! Don't deny it boy! It's clear enough anyway! You're a cross dresser, you've spent ten years of your life in the forest with a peculiar man… what else is there?" he asked Kakashi from across the circle.

"He broke a mob boss' arm because he was going to touch said peculiar man's face,"

Jiraya whirled back around, taking a swig of sake from the bottle in his hand. "Y'can't say it's not unfounded!"

Haku smashed his sake glass on Jiraya's head unexpectedly. Jiraya went out like a light and sprawled on the floor. "If I get laid by the end of the day by a girl, then will you believe I'm straight?"

Asuma took a drag on his cigarette, letting it out in a puff of smoke. "Not really, but it'll be fun to watch,"

Haku wasn't listening. "Fine, I will then!" He stormed out of the meeting room. Eventually everyone left, too bored to hang out in the humid room on a hot summer's day.

The second Shikamaru left the room, Haku grabbed him by the collar. "What the hell does 'getting laid' mean?!" he hissed.

Shikamaru shrugged. "You said it, I figured you knew," he replied. "Do you have _any_ idea?"

"I dunno, but it's supposed to be real manly," the ironically effeminate boy muttered as he let Shikamaru go.

Whatever it took, Haku was going to figure it out.

* * *

Yes, it was short. These chapters seem to be getting progressively shorter, but I just thought I'd get a little side-plot going here.

Cast your votes for who you'd like to see Haku paired with. This is NON-yaoi. So I'd better not get any ZabuHaku crap from fangirls. Haku can be paired with ANY female with the exceptions of Hinata and Tsunade… and I suppose Shizune. This could also include characters that you never see, like Hana Inuzuka or Ayame Ichiraku. Even dead characters like Tayuya or filler characters like Sasame.

Cast your votes, my friends! Obviously, the winner will be paired with Haku eventually. Remember, this is T not M, so I'm not going to write anything like that. This balloting will continue for two more chapters. So yeah, at chapter 6, polls are closed.

Please r&r.

--Rai


	5. Finally, the Real Plot Begins!

Konbanwa!

I guess… here's chapter five…

I do not own Naruto, but I do own a pack of chewing gum.

* * *

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Haku pounded the door of Naruto's apartment. "Answer, damn you!" He kicked down the entrance. The door smashed to the floor, and he heard a thumping of a broomstick from below, as well as a muffled "turn down that music, you crazy demon seed!"

"Haku?" Haku whirled around to find a very confused Naruto behind him with a large paper bag of groceries in his arm. "Why did you just kick down my door?" he asked as if unbolting 200 pounds of aluminum with one's foot wasn't a very peculiar thing to do.

Haku wasted no time. "Tell me quick, what does 'getting laid' mean?!" He shook Naruto, knocking the groceries to the ground by accident. Naruto shrugged.

"Damn!" Haku raced off.

"Weird…" Naruto muttered as he picked up the groceries the Jounin knocked down.

The door falling in didn't really disturb the layout of Naruto's apartment very much. All there was really was a table, a chair, a refrigerator, and a bed stuffed with hay.

Naruto set the groceries down on the table and sat down on the plastic white chair. He reached into the bag and pulled out a Hostess® Twinkie™, which he began to eat, as well as a small orange book. You may know what it is. There was a small prohibition sign on the back, in small print it had the words "Adult Only", and the cover read Icha Icha Paradise.

Naruto had swiped Kakashi's precious book at the market. After years of curiosity of what its sacred contents were that had his sensei hooked for so long, he had given in to temptation.

He grinned evilly as he opened the book, unknowing that his innocence was about to be shattered. As he read a few pages, his grin turned to a grimace. Then, his eyes stopped at a particular spot. "Haku! Haku!!" he raced out of the apartment to catch his friend, leaving the book unattended at the table.

* * *

Shizune and Sakura had their own problems. Sakura had gone to fetch Neji and all of his pressure point expertise to subdue the Hokage Shizune was wrestling away from the door. "Hokage-sama! You've just had the hangover of your life! Why do you need more sake?!"

"So I can forget said hangover, idiot!"

"And get another one?!" Tsunade stopped. Shizune patted her clothes down. "I don't think you're quite sober yet, Tsunade-sama—" but before she could finish, the Hokage pushed her aside and into the door frame, bulling past her. Consequentially, the resulting shake from the thud of Shizune hitting the wall knocked over a vase in the hallway, sending approximately ninety-seven marbles scattering across the floor.

"I NEED BOOOOOOOOOZE!" She roared as she charged down the hall. As would only be comically appropriate, she obviously slipped on the marbles and was propelled into the air and down the stairwell, where she smashed into an upward coming old teammate of hers.

The two went tumbling down two flights of stairs and landed with a thud at the bottom… with Jiraya's head in her enormous cleavage. Oddly enough, in her beer-lust, she ignored it, stood up, arm clearly broken and oozing blood, and trampled over Jiraya's face in the direction of Yori's bar.

The hermit just lay there. A bloody, perverted mass of broken flesh…

* * *

The Godaime dashed hastily down the side-road, desperate for alcohol. However when she got to the bar…

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" she shrilly howled. The steel grate was closed over the entrance, with a hand-painted wooden sign hanging on a hook.

"'Gone fishin'!

--Yori'" A chibi Haku read aloud. Tsunade grabbed Haku by his collar and lifted him into the air.

"Quickly, girl! Where can I get sake?! Tell me now!"

Haku kicked the air. "Jiraya! Now let me down!" Tsunade dropped him abruptly, sprinting back in the direction she came from. Haku dusted himself off. "And I'm a boy!" he shouted after her. He turned sharply and began walking down the street. "That's what that old fart gets for calling me gay," he muttered to himself. _I do not look like a girl!

* * *

_

Knocking over pedestreans, and crashing into fruit stands, Tsunade was nearly to her tower when;

_Whack! _

She keeled over into the ground. "Thanks, Neji," Sakura's voice said.

"No problem at all," He answered back.

"Buy me lunch?"

"Why not?"

Two medical ANBU sauntered over lazily and lifted their leader into their shoulders, carrying her back to the tower.

* * *

Okay, that's a wrap… please review, it'll take like twenty seconds tops. Just hit that little button below.

God, this took forever to write, but I'm happy with it.

Once again, please r&r, I'm going to pull an all-nighter for you guys, writing from dusk 'till dawn, so please make it worth my while.

Remember to vote on Haku's pairing!

--Rai


	6. American Airlines?

Okay. Well, here's the polls so far:

Ayame: 1

Hanabi: 1

Ino: 1

…

Does anyone even read this fic, or are you just indifferent?

Okay, well, seeing as I'm pulling an all-nighter for you guys, I'll increase the poll deadline to chapter eight. You guys had better appreciate this. I've got to choke down 250 mL of Red Bull© just to stay up. That stuff is like nasty, carbonated, liquefied, drywall flavored caffine!

I do not own Naruto, nor the three six packs and chewing gum I owned in the last four chapters. I ate them all. I do, however, own a laptop and a very nice cardboard box to live in.

Stupid Quote of the Day: "Authentic ramen sucks!"

* * *

Haku looked from his left to his right. He finally spotted someone he knew. "Sakura-san!" He trotted to the pink-haired kunoichi. 

She turned to him. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?" she asked indifferently.

Haku gave a little mushroom breath. "Please don't ask. Just tell me quick, what does 'getting laid' mean?" She immediately pointed accusingly at him.

"F(beep)king pervert!" she screeched, pulling a cattle prod out of nowhere, she jabbed his arm, sending an electric jolt through his body.

"Aa!" he yelped and fled her presence, only to be pursued.

"I'll teach you to talk to me like that! Come back here, Haku!"

A group of onlookers sweatdropped, watching a girl with pink hair poke a shemale with a cattle prod.

* * *

Elsewhere, an unconscious Kage was in a hospital bed, being watched by Shizune, and Jiraya. "You know, she really needs help. She can't go on like this," Shizune said soberly. Jiraya nodded in agreement. 

"I've been looking into it. I think I may have a solution. You ever heard of AA?" He inquired.

"American Airlines?"

Jiraya smacked her upside the head. "Alcoholics Anonymous,"

"Oh," Shizune said stupidly, rubbing the back of her head. "well how's that going to help?"

"You don't get out much, do you?"

"So?"

"What?!" came a high screech from the Godaime. She was awake now, and sitting up. Jiraya and Shizune had just explained it to her. "But I don't want to quit! I love my sake!" She hugged a plushie of a sake bottle to her chest.

"Hokage-sama, I've looked through the receipts you've saved over the past sixteen years, and I've come to the conclusion that you've spent more money on sake then what's in Konoha's treasury, as well as what the entire plastic wrap and temporary tattoo industries are worth put together," Shizune held up a scroll of paper with an extensive addition problem scribbled over it.

"The _entire_ temporary tattoo industry?!" Tsunade asked, shocked.

"The _entire_ temporary tattoo industry," Jiraya said cooly.

"But… I love sake! And besides, I'm too old to quit now," She reasoned.

"Tsunade-sama! You've always told me not to take the half-assed way out! Take your own advice, now you're going to start going to AA meetings!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

* * *

Okay, there's chapter… God, I don't even know anymore, I'm cranking these out faster than I can count… ah, yes. This is chapter six. 

Okay, well, I've done some reading on how to write funny, so with a little help from Bill Bryson and Lois-Ann Yamanaka, I hope that I will start to do better.

Notice! 3/30/07: The next update will be slow on account of the facts that 1) I have writer's block 2) Spring Break is almost over 3) I damn near broke my finger on a foozball table and can only type with my right hand for about a week. Sorry everybody!

Don't forget to vote on Haku's pairing!

And please r&r.

--Rai


	7. Condiments vs Confidence

Okay, I can type two-handed now, over the course of the week I've done a little brainstorming and rereading, and made a playlist of Weird Al and a ton of drinking songs to set the mood... I guess it's time for me to get off my lazy ass and write.

I got the polls so far. One more chapter to decide, people! Vote!

Ayame: 3

Hanabi: 3

Ino: 2

For the next two chapters, I will finish up the side-plot... and probably start a new one.

I do not own Naruto, but I do own a laptop and a very nice cardboard box to live in. (My college dorm)

Stupid Quote of the Day (Also famous last words): "Hey, y'all! Watch this!"

Here it is, my friends, foes, and fangirls (I don't care as long as you review)! Chapter seven!

* * *

Haku sprinted around the corner of the street, desperate to get away from Sakura, who had long since abandoned her cattle prod and switched to a katana. He spotted a puddle and formulated a simple plan immediately. 

A roaring rosy-haired bitch rounded the corner in a moment, and then screeched to a halt, looking for the offender. Above... no below... no left... no right... no behind!! She whipped around and watched the back of Haku running in the opposite direction. She dropped her katana at once and snatched a scroll from the market stall next to her, brushed off the owner, and chucked it as hard as she could at Haku. It konked him on the back of the head, and he crumpled in a heap.

"Teach you to talk shit around me!" She blurted, and began to walk away. Just as she was out of sight, the unconscious Haku melted into a puddle. A little girl with her mom pointed and said;

"Eek! Mommy, was that the wicked witch of the West?" She squealed.

The real Haku dropped down by the puddle. "No, that was the Mizu Bunshin Gambit no Jutsu," The girl stared at him for a few seconds.

"Are _you_ the wicked witch of the West?"

"No,"

"Aww..." Her mother led her away to wherever they were going.

Haku shook his head when he saw someone running towards him. "Haku!" He shouted.

It was Naruto. "Finally! Listen, I figured out what 'getting laid' means!"

Haku suddenly became interested. "Well, what does it mean, then?" Naruto leaned over and whispered something in his ear, and as he continued, Haku's eyes grew wider and steadily more disgusted.

Naruto stopped talking and backed away. Haku didn't move for a few seconds. Then he did. He trundled drunkenly over to a bush, bent over, and retched six times. Two were sickening throaty belches, and the other four were his breakfast.

He stood up straight, wiped his mouth, and walked back to Naruto. "Okay, I'll do it!"

"Why?" Naruto asked.

"So that everyone won't think I'm gay," He said surely, fire of determination in his eyes.

"Okay..." Naruto said plainly.

There was a pause.

"You know that I have no doubt in my mind that you will fail, Haku," Naruto declared.

Haku snapped his head to glare at Naruto, and pulled something out of his pocket. "Well _I_ have an eggplant sandwich with mayonnaise on it, so HA! Mayonnaise totally beats confidence!" He swirled around in a breeze of black hair and blue kimono, and left in the opposite direction. _Jerk..._ he thought to himself as he took a bite out of his sandwich.

He turned another corner, and stepped on something that crinkled.

He stopped and bent down to look at it. It was covered in mud, and had only just been missed by cattle crap. He picked it up and brushed it off. It was a poster of the passed out Hokage and her assistant. But the assistant was holding a sign... pointing to Tsunade.

Haku read the sign. (Duh, that's what you do with signs.)

_Perfect, _He thought.

* * *

That's it, you'll have to go back to chapter one if you've forgotten what the sign said. I guess this chapter did go kinda fast, though... 

Uh... yeah... I'm done.

_**VOTE ON HAKU'S PAIRING!**_

Please r&r

–Rai


	8. Not chapter 8, sorry

Hello everyone, I just want to say that I am _sincerely_ sorry that I will not be updating for a while. I have other obligations at the moment, and am also suffering a particularly bad bout of writer's block.

Don't comment on this section, if you have anything to say, PM me.

I apologize once more,

Rai


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